Friday, 30 May 2014

Less Correcting and More Connecting

I was at work tidying away the boxes of tea and noticed a phrase on the tea bag label of a well known herbal tea company. 

This phrase made me stop and think when I came across it. Not only because its something that I have worked on personally in the past, it is also something that I have found quite common among people I have encountered throughout my life so far.

Do less correcting and more connecting

When we correct ourselves from an area of judgement we disconnect from our true self, become stuck in a state of fear and limiting beliefs of 'I'm not good enough' = loosing the connection

When we correct others through judgements we build up a wall between them and us = loosing the connection.

What is important here is to acknowledge what we mean by correction. It may seem hypocritical for some for a NLP Coach to say not to correct to ourselves and improve areas of our life. It depends what you mean by correcting. Personally, NLP is about remembering who we are and our great capabilities. So whilst it may feel that we are correcting (improving) ourselves, what we are really doing is remembering our true selves before we piled on the limiting beliefs and self sabotaging behaviours.

So the real issue here is... are we correcting (improving) areas of our self from a place of love, releasing what no longer benefits us or are we correcting (judging) from a place of fear?

Correcting out of judgement can break connections. If we continue to judge others and ourselves we just drift further away from the connection we desire. Note that writing this doesn't mean I am perfect either, its through my many mistakes and challenges and a couple of successes that I feel I can talk about topics such as this.

When we accept all of our imperfections, continuing to improve what no longer works for us we connect to our core, our true self = more connection

When we accept others as they are whilst maintaining respect and value for ourselves, we build a stronger connection between us = more connection

This does not mean to say that you need to accept hurtful or harmful behaviour from others by not ´correcting´ them. You can still connect in a loving relationship or friendship whilst being a high value person. High value, meaning that you acknowledge your needs and desires whilst cooperating with the other, accepting their map of the world too and finding a solution that works for the highest good of everyone.

Good Vibrations Barcelona - I Trust you, Do You Trust Me Social Experiment

Correcting (improving) to then remember our true self and our capabilities can enhance connection

Correcting out of judgement and fear can move us further away from ourselves and harm connections with others

By noticing judgements that come up in day to day life we can question ourselves what may be behind that initial judgement and acknowledge that from a place of love.

Are we fearful about what others may think?

Are we so scared of rejection that we reject others first?

Are we continuing to find faults in ourselves so to confirm the ´Im not good enough´ limiting belief and remain in our comfort zone? For some to release this is more scary than the affect of the belief itself. For some succeeding can be frightening as it questions all the limitations we had previously believed and it brings unknown experiences.

When do you feel most connected to yourself and others?

How can you increase these connections on a daily/weekly basis?


  1. Are we fearful about what others may think?
    Yes in some cases, thanks to our creativity when it comes to be original in the aim for instance to feel unique among others, either people around you could not accept it and reject you, or they could admire you.

    Are we so scared of rejection that we reject others first?
    "Others" means your social circle. We could if we think that the belief is too different vis a vis your social circle.
    My perspective is what are the others? if it's your friends, then how we chose these real others. It's just a question of being accepted and maybe credibility.
    Personally, the real friends (others) are the persons that accept your imperfections, new ideas that puts in question the usual routine or believes of the daily life and ready to talk about it, without staying in an absolute truth.

    Are we continuing to find faults in ourselves so to confirm the ´I'm not good enough´ limiting belief and remain in our comfort zone?
    I am not good enough is a typical belief to inaction.
    Russ Harris identify in his book "the confidence gap", 4 categories of excuses :
    1-Comparaisons : You take as a reference point, people that are better than you in a field, or more efficient than you, or more advances in their process.
    2-Self-criticisms : You're only focusing on all your weaknesses that slows you to your improvement or success.
    3-Predictions: You're forecasting your failures, competition, and any setback during the process.
    4-Obstacles: You insist on all the obstacles that your could meet on your way.

    A Belgian friend, Fred Colantonio, wrote a beautiful quote in his book (in French) "L'attitude des Heros" : "La perfection est un pretexte à l'inaction"; "Perfection is a pretext to inaction".

    What do you think?
    We have to look over the facts versus our excuses according to our believes that slows us to a possible state of inaction. By putting us in question constantly and asking ourselves the right questions: What I did? (past). What I am doing ? (present). and What I want ? (future). What was wrong during my process that slows me to reach my goals? . what are theirs causes? What could I improve to avoid some bad habits to be more productive and focused? (prepare you action plan)
    As the French writer, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, said "Tout objectif sans plan n'est qu'un souhait." "A goal (or a dream) without a plan is just a wish" ;)

    When do you feel most connected to yourself and others?
    On the other hand, to be back to the notion of correcting others, we need to have a special relationship, like having a credibility before to give advices, such as a specialist (Doctor, expert,...) or a friend. But if we are completely strangers it would be more difficult, because we would analyze the situation according to our believes and doing the mistake to categorize people (because we think that we have enough experience and we think that the person lived a similar experience to yours).
    So to accept others we could accept the issue of the person and trying to focus on the solutions, so the person will find her problem/solution so obvious to catch. The aim is not to stay in this loop of complaining or thinking about it as a fatality.

    How can you increase these connections on a daily/weekly basis?
    By accepting your imperfections and the imperfections of people around you (and not giving up them). Otherwise, I think it would be a form of being selfish if we don't try (Strangers or friends). We have to avoid to let others building a wall. Our ego could not accept it. Because ego has the good think of remembering and promoting our good side, but avoiding and forgetting bad experiences, that could let us think that our image could be damaged. Humility could be a good step for accepting our mistakes/weaknesses, by putting in ourselves in question. Most of the successful people are humble and they are not afraid to show their weaknesses.

  2. Thank you Otman for your feedback. The 4 categories of excuses are a great useful tip to recoginising how we may be excusing ourselves and with this awareness we can make a change. Thanks for sharing!