Wednesday, 21 October 2015

How To Resolve Internal Conflicts With These 3 Questions...

It can be tiring, exhausting and confusing. 

It can be downright frustrating. 

As if we are being pulled into two different directions - part of me wants this... and another part wants this...

On one hand I want to go to the gym, on another hand I want to stay at home and watch films. 

And so often what is the behind the emotional turmoil of these conflicts and dilemmas is the belief that we can't have it all or that the two simply don't go together. Sometimes that's not always the case, and even if it is initially, when we take a deeper look at things often the two previously perceived opposing parts actually are looking for the same thing. They just happen to go about it in a different way. 

One of my favourite NLP exercises is Parts Integration, and I have be known to use this for myself whilst on the metro many times! It gently pulls away the hidden masks and layers of internal conflicts, so we can create a new, combined part searching for that common need. 

Below is an example of an old internal conflict from a client who's permission I have to share this. 

Part of them desired a marriage/a committed relationship and the other desired a great career/start up. At the time they could not see how they could have both and they felt they were looking for two completely different things. 

As you can see in the image below, when we broke things down it became apparent that actually both parts were searching for either financial or emotional freedom which in turn would help them to feel Happiness & Passion which is what my client desired at that moment in their life. Both by working within a team of people and also by being with a special someone. It was really about creating connections with others.

P1 (Part 1) & P2 (Part 2) signify the two old opposing parts, B signifies the behaviour or action of these parts and PI represents the positive intentions behind these parts and what they were really looking for underneath their old behaviours. 

My questions after we broke this down were...

"What can you do differently now that you know this?"


"Because what is it really about?"

They answered with "teaming up/partnerships to get in touch with my passion and happiness". "And how can you achieve that" I asked? "By networking" they replied. Not only could they improve business contacts and career options by networking... they could also widen their social community at the same time and possibly meet that special someone. One practical solution that had the potential to satisfy both parts. 

Since that exercise and insight, they have proceeded to make many changes within their life. Mutually ending an long distant relationship that was not working at the time as it neither satisfied their need of connection, happiness or passion. Joining regular networking events, fitness events, social events and successfully creating their own networking community events. These changes even led to physical benefits such as losing 13 kilos in 3 months due to the more active, healthier lifestyle. 

Is that the end and a happily ever after story? As with anything, life is a journey, we are constantly growing, learning, evolving and whilst this person is currently enjoying the single life as I write this, with the new perspective focused on Happiness, Connection & Passion and the active 'make positive changes' attitude will continue to open many more doors in the years to come. And I'm certain the right committed relationship for them too. 

Because after all, anything less than a loving, committed relationship isn't fully feeling, happy, passionate and wealthy though isn't it? 

And anything less than enjoying career success inst fully feeling happy, passionate with a sense of peace though isn't it? 

The two can work hand in hand in perfect harmony if we stay committed and connected to what we truly desire (our positive intentions) rather than the emotional struggle of choosing only one action. 

If anything, this exercise helps us to discover the real why behind our goals and initial desires. A powerful piece of information that can...

  • Boost motivation
  • Keep you focused in the right direction - towards your true desires
  • Help to let go of a lot of internal stress & emotional turmoil
  • Find decision making a lot easier 
  • And more

Now its your turn! Are you aware of any internal conflicts and if so what are you really searching for? What are the highest positive intentions behind each part? The first key question is... 'What does that do for me?'

For example... 

Part 1 wants to go to the gym and we ask... 'What does that do for me?' We may respond with... 'To feel... healthy, fit, loose weight, happiness, at peace with self...'. What we are looking for are the highest possible intentions relating to that behaviour. So in this example that could be peace and happiness. 

Repeat for Part 2, in this case... staying at home. Possible answers may be 'To relax, feel happiness & enjoy peace and quiet'. Notice the similarities between both sets of answers. Quite often, you'll notice that both parts are searching for very similar things. Therefore not really a conflict as once thought.

2) What can I do differently now that I know this? Eg... take a conscious action to satisfy my desire for peace and happiness daily

3) Because, what is it really about? Eg... allowing myself to enjoy a happy and peaceful life rather than beat myself up about what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' do.

Using the comment section below I'd love to hear from you and what positive changes you will make in your day to day life to fulfil your positive intentions. By writing things down we can take the first step towards positive change.

Have a friend struggling with internal conflicts and would find this useful? Offer a helping hand and share this post. 

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Until next time, happy integrating :-)