Where The Feeling Of Joy REALLY Comes From... And How To Manage 'Failure'

There's a saying we often say in NLP.

One I've repeated time and time again in seminars, workshops and coaching sessions. 

I use this phrase as a reminder that it's not the end of the world if something doesn't go 'according to plan'. 

Before I dive straight into the phrase, I'd like to mention one common mistake in the self-development field (or what I prefer to call self-awareness field) and most importantly how to rectify it. 

Often we can get so caught up with a desired outcome, setting goal after goal so much so that we miss what's in between and within the process in getting there. 

I certainly fell victim to this during my first few years within this industry. Feeling that I needed to achieve more, do more, have more, be more. That put me in a very unhappy place indeed as I was so out of balance with the other side of the coin. Being an ambitious, determined Taurus by nature I still need a reminder time to time though slowly and surely over the last few years I've learnt how to balance things out. 

It's great to have goals, a desire to grow, expand and experience new things in our lives. What's not so great is doing so and forgetting to be present along the journey too. Smelling the flowers along the way as they say. 

That's where our joy comes from. 

Those little moments, experiences and gems that we experience day to day whilst we move towards x, y or z. 

Not the sole actualisation of x, y or z. 

Menorca 'Reclaim Your Inner Strength' Retreat May 26-28th 2017

Click To Tweet: "Joy comes from those moments, experiences and gems that we experience day to day... not the sole actualisation of a goal" Emma Bradford

And if, for whatever reason we strive towards a goal and things turn out differently than expected, how we choose to move in the lead up to the goal plays a HUGE role in how we experience 'failure'. 

For example, say there are two friend's... A and B.

• Friend A desperately wants to achieve x, all focus is 100% on achieving x and nothing else will do. Currently feeling a lack, a sadness because they have yet to achieve x.

• Friend B also wants to achieve x and whilst the goal is within focus they're also mindful and present about what they're learning along the way. Feeling more content about themselves and the world as the journey progresses appreciating the experiences they've gained so far.

Now, if neither one successfully achieves x first time round, which friend do you think will bounce back quicker and still feel good regardless? Which one would be more willing to give it another shot and try a new tactic?

Friend B right? 

This brings me back to the NLP phrase I mentioned... "There's no failure, only feedback" or as Marie Forleo says... "I may win or I may learn... though I never loose". 

If there is something you are working towards in your life take a moment to reflect how you are moving towards that goal.


1) Is this something I desire at all levels, that is congruent with my beliefs and values? 

2) Am I enjoying the process, learning and collecting experiences and stories along the way? If not, what can help me shift my focus?

For example... some may find placing a reminder their phone with one of the above quotes/phrases helps. Find what works for you.

The journey is where we can find little nuggets of joy. It's our relationship with the experience that makes all the difference. As Brene Brown says...

"I leap for the experience through the air... because I cannot predict the landing... (ask yourself)... what's worth doing even though I may fail?"

Have a friend that would find this useful? Forward on this post, offering a helping hand.

And if you'd love to transform how you manage unwanted emotions, negative self-talk and to experience a more accepting and loving relationship with yourself come and join my exclusive retreat in May!

Return home feeling refreshed, knowing you can handle whatever life throws at you. A weekend retreat that lasts a lifetime.

More details can be found HERE - earlybird price ends 15th of March 2017!

My Key To Wholehearted Living

There’s a story behind this stone.

One that taught me more than I could have imagined.

You see, ever since I can remember I’ve been an optimistic person naturally able to re-frame events. I’d be the one drawing a cheeky smiley face for a friend in need, making an extra batch of soup for a heartbroken housemate or helping others see the positive side of things. I felt their pain so strongly and would try with all my might to help them feel better.

Naturally this developed into my profession too.

It’s been one hell of a journey though and I can see looking back how out of balance I was at times. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is allow people to walk their own path in life - even if it means them hitting rock bottom so to desire change and connect with their full potential.

Before I discovered NLP I’d learnt like many to ignore my emotions - a way of survival from a young age. Though in the long term that behaviour was actually doing more harm than good. Thankfully self-awareness skills I discovered, taught me ways to manage how I felt and let go of things at a deep unconscious level to promote healing.

However in the early days of my NLP journey, there was still something out of alignment… I saw myself as something broken, needing ‘fixing’ on a daily basis.

I had an overwhelming list of limiting beliefs and unwanted emotions rising to the surface. Luckily my teacher Jessica Robbins, wisely reminded us “You don’t need to remove every limiting belief, only the ones which stand in the way of achieving a desired outcome”.

Phew! That’s a relief then.

I steadily learnt to be less judgmental of myself, created techniques like the ‘I Feel…’ page (FREE download below) to help acknowledge emotions and release them. I regularly tune into what my body and intuition is communicating to me, listening intently for the next steps to take. However I too need reminders occasionally, as there are always opportunities in life to shed another layer towards a more wholehearted, authentic way of living.

It was my intuition that took me to a National Park in Menorca for a short trip. There I made new connections, welcoming another experience and opportunity for growth. Of course, there were doubts and fears; changes needed to be made to my work schedule, and opening up to new people can be scary after heartbreak. 

It's essential though, that our hearts remain open regardless. 

My profession doesn’t magically remove my Inner Critic forever; I simply intend to connect to what I love on a regular basis, using techniques to ease the process if any fears arise. 

Back home on the beach I watched the waves eating their way across the shore, observing the wet stones glistening in the sand. One caught my attention; it was a beautiful oval, grey, sparkly stone, which reminded me of a dear friend from my recent trip. I bent down to pick it up when a huge wave came, when the wave retreated the stone was gone. Disappointed, I looked around though it was nowhere to be found. Still thinking of that friend, another stone caught my eye. Little did I know then what this beautiful heart shaped stone would truly represent.

Listening to my gut instinct, I took another trip to Menorca a few months later. Eagerly anticipating what adventures lay ahead. For the first time I’d be doing a full test run of working remotely. It was on this recent trip when I began to realise the true meaning of my stone.

At times in my life I was still so far from wholehearted living, only seeing the positive side of things and what needed to change.

I found it super easy to talk about the light.

This will remain a huge part of me I’m sure. It allows me to see and remind clients of their true potential when they’ve lost all hope. Though in the past I saw myself as something that needed ‘fixing’, fearing pain rather than embracing my whole self with love when letting go of what was no longer useful.

Looking at my stone, its meaning clicked. 

It represents the light and dark within everyone. The importance of embracing our whole selves, using this as a foundation to make necessary shifts in our lives with compassion and presence.

Imagine a parent holding their sobbing child... eyes closed, a loving calm breath, whilst embracing the hurt with 100% presence. Later to ask the child, ‘what did you learn here for next time?’ 

This is how we need to embrace hurting parts of ourselves. I knew this concept before, though to experience first-hand my friend in Menorca comforting a child in pain, I understood and valued this at a much deeper level.

The KEY is the intention and perspective we hold when we look within. Choosing out of LOVE for ourselves and our future to make changes, rather than out of fear of feeling pain.

We can either…

A) See problems, ourselves as broken individuals that need fixing, run to techniques or vices out of fear, unwilling to really look within and learn from past experiences, judging ourselves in the process for not being perfect enough.

Or we can…

B)  Embrace ourselves in spite of pain, learn and transform at a deep unconscious level using techniques like NLP* stepping each day closer to embracing our whole self in each moment. Knowing that there may be fear, pain and suffering at times… that's ok. We can experience a huge amount of joy and love when we truly embrace life. If we notice painful beliefs or emotions arising, to have the courage and self-love to fully see and learn from them, choosing to lovingly transform them without judgement if needed.

“I notice ___(observe feelings)___, it's ok, everyone has felt that at some point in their life, wonder what I can learn here?"

We can miss valuable opportunities for growth if we skip straight to ‘this is bad, get rid of the pain’ with a judgmental perspective that we're not perfect enough compared to others. If we don’t fully integrate these insights and heal the belief that we need 'fixing' there’s a chance we may find ourselves repeating the pattern.

Not always easy I know.

It’s human nature to move away from suffering and often we seek comfort from alcohol, food, unhelpful habits etc. Remember these only give us short lived pleasure, when in reality long lasting happiness is desired. And anything less than embracing all parts of ourselves with love isn't being exquisitely human too though, isn't it?

Here I am on a journey, shedding another layer, stepping a little bit closer to wholehearted living. I invite you to join me and many others on this journey.

We’re each at the point in our life that’s perfect for us.

Time to ditch the label ‘we're broken’ and let go of comparisons. If there are bumps along the way may we have the courage to breathe into any pain a little deeper, learn from it a little more and embrace our whole selves, whilst lovingly continuing to grow and make changes if needed.

Now I’d love to hear from you! Comment below what you found most useful from this post and why. 

Have a friend who would be interested too? Offer them a helping hand and share this post.

EXTRA: 'I Feel...' page Download HERE. And for a FREE boost your Self-Esteem pack head on over to my website www.emmabradford.net.

*Or any other method that helps you to heal at an unconscious level removing the root cause with love.

What To Do When You Make A Mistake...

Mistakes, imperfections, and flaws... something that in society we often want to cover up and ignore. 

To show our 'perfect' side whilst hiding fears and vulnerabilities below out of fear of rejection. If we only show this 'perfect' mask we have created are we being truly loved for ourselves? If we share our fears with loved ones they are seeing all of us, therefore we can feel a stronger, more genuine connection. 

"True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world" Brene Brown 

Making a mistake can be hard. If something doesn't go to plan it can come as a shock, a disappointment, a fear of 'what next?' and 'have I really got the energy to try again?'. It can be embarrassing, a fear of being laughed at, being seen as wrong or at the very core of it 'will I be rejected?' If inventors stopped after the first set back we would be missing a lot of things in the world that we enjoy today. True courage comes when we get back up and try again, using our set backs as stepping stones towards our desired outcome.

Here are 4 pointers I created to help with self forgiveness after making a mistake, and making the best choices for when you give it another shot...

1) Be kind to yourself

Self love is true self love when you comfort yourself with caring words during tough times or when you may have made a 'mistake'. How would you comfort a dear friend in this situation?


2) What have you learnt?

I say 'mistake' previously with apostrophes because if you have learnt something positive from a situation is it really a negative outcome if you now know what not to do next time? How has this experience benefited you and your future?


3) Make choices for your highest good

What will you benefit from most in the long term? To miss part of a course waiting for a friend as you fear going into room by yourself, or to meet your friend at the event so not to miss any of the course? For each person the choice will be different, its about finding what is right for you and your future. After all this is your life. What do you choose to do differently next time?


4) Choice check: Love vs Fear

Double check, are you making these choices out of fear or love? Love for yourself and your future, or fear of an uncomfortable situation and wanting to avoid it? What will give you the best outcome in the long term?

We are all perfectly imperfect. We can either ignore, despise it, or embrace it learning a great deal in the process, continuing to live life to the full.

How Are You Kind To Yourself?

With the end of the year drawing close, its a perfect time to look back at 2013 and reflect on what type of year it has been.

What have been the best 3 moments from the past year?

What do you want for 2014?

Many fun moments with friends and family are definitely up there in my top three. As well as completing my Master Practitioner course in NLP. 

Woahoo what a course that was!! 

I look forward to bringing new exercises and skills to personal coaching sessions to help shift core limiting beliefs and more.

Personally one of the themes for the past year has been self value. Not only did we work with value hierarchies during the master practitioner course, but through a few experiences I was reminded the power of self worth.

It is one of those things that is often thought in society that we need to be perfect, never make mistakes or show our vulnerable side. Researcher Brene Brown spent many years discovering the keys to whole-hearted living. It turned out those who where happiest had accepted their vulnerable side, valuing all parts of themselves. 

Do you value yourself?

How do you show yourself kindness, love and respect?

How can you value yourself more in 2014?

Brene Brown - TED Talk (Listening to shame)

Brene Brown - TED Talk (The Power of Vulnerability)