Emotions Uncovered: The Hidden Benefits of Anger, Sadness & Fear

Emotions. 

Painful? Uplifting? Two sides of the same coin.

There are many different shades of anger... deep, red hot rage to a light red/pink hue of mild irritation. A rainbow of emotions within the human experience, and only experiencing the sunny yellow of joy doesn't allow us to experience the full rainbow. 

As with day and night... if we continuously experience daylight, wouldn’t it get a bit boring? Notice how after a cold, dark, wet winter, spring arrives with more light and warmth. Feels good right? 

We truly appreciate the light when we've experienced darkness too. 

To appreciate the wonderful nature of joy and happiness, we also need to understand what sadness and grief feels like. Doesn't mean we need to wallow in self-pity and grief for days and weeks. It simply means when an emotion arises - acknowledge it, feel it, learn from it and then let it go.  

All emotions are valid. This goes for ourselves too... all parts are valid.  

Click to Tweet: "Only accepting the lighter side of ourselves doesn't bring wholehearted self-acceptance. The shadow needs acknowledging too" Emma Bradford

Emotions (Energy in MOTION) are messengers giving us an invitation. Presenting a door that leads onto something else. If we decide to suppress, ignore, avoid certain emotions it's as if we keep the door closed unable to connect to the wonderful experience on the other side.

We miss out.

Often what prevents us to fully embrace emotions are our beliefs about them from past events. If we believe that crying our sadness or expressing anger is 'wrong' then whenever we feel sadness or anger we'll want to avoid or suppress it. 

It's not the emotion itself... it's the meanings we've attached to them from past experiences.

Afraid of what others might think - fear of showing our vulnerable side in case we're rejected. Vulnerability actually creates deeper bonds. 

Afraid of how it may feel - as we've attached a meaning that __x__ emotion always = pain. As a society we often search for instant pleasure rather than long term happiness. There's a difference between the two and often it's the latter that we really want even if we don't realise it. Searching for instant pleasure and avoiding certain emotions in the process won't bring us long term happiness. 

By opening ourselves to emotions, we open ourselves up to a whole world of experiences and insights. Emotions invite us to experience something else completely different and wonderful in and beyond them. 

Anger can lead to...

• Passion... creative fuel for new projects, missions and new rights.
• Self-esteem... by teaching us about our boundaries, our value and lead us to greater self-worth if we choose to observe the messages and act accordingly.
• Motivation... to create change.
• Etc..

Sadness can lead to...

• Understanding... of what we're experiencing.
• Gratitude... for what we had and have and to fully appreciate the uplifting times. Any sadness I've experienced, acted among many things as a reminder to appreciate what I have and become more present. To truly appreciate the wonderful joys that life has to offer that we can easily take for granted or miss in daily life.
• Connection... with others when we open up and share how we feel. The film 'Inside Out' is a wonderful example of this.
• Etc...

Fear can lead to...

• Courage... to feel the fear and do what we want anyway, recognising how brave we can be.
• Safety... so we can get ourselves out of risky situations if need be.
• Awareness... recognising our priorities and increasing our focus.
• Etc...

In other words it's not the hammer, it's the intention and action we choose to do with the hammer that's important. 

For too long certain emotions have been given a bad reputation, seen as something to be avoided whereas it's simply HOW we express them that's key. Expressing anger by dancing or painting how we feel is very different to punching someone in the face and spreading the anger further. The first transforms the energy, the second multiplies it.

So if anger (for example) isn't 'bad' why do we need to transform it? 

When we remain stuck and attached to certain emotions we interrupt the flow and they can build up within. A mild irritation at first may later become red hot rage if we don't see it for what it is, learn from it and express it in a healthy and productive way from the beginning. Plus I think most of us can agree that a little more peace, love and healing on this planet could be somewhat helpful!

It´s finding a balance, allowing ourselves to go with the flow, without remaining stuck to heavier emotions for too long. That's where NLP and the many other useful techniques and practices out there come in handy. Remaining stuck in certain emotional states can keep us demotivated, dis-empowered and affect our health.

Notice I use the word heavier instead of negative. If we label and judge certain emotions as negative, the more we interrupt the flow. Heavier emotions are the ones where we want to contract and withdraw... lighter emotions are the ones where we feel expansive and open.

By ignoring the knocking on the door of an emotion we miss the insight and gift... and it will only come back louder and stronger another time. 

As they say... what we resist, persists!

If we're learning something through the experience of an emotion can we really label that emotion as negative? Surely gaining new insights can be a wonderful thing, right?

So I wonder... what really lies beyond that door.

I'd love to hear from you, if you're experiencing a particular emotion what is it inviting you to connect with right now? What door is being presented to you? Let me know in the comment section below.

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How To Resolve Internal Conflicts With These 3 Questions...

It can be tiring, exhausting and confusing. 

It can be downright frustrating. 

As if we are being pulled into two different directions - part of me wants this... and another part wants this...

On one hand we may want to go to the gym, on another hand we may want to stay at home and watch films. 

And so often what is the behind the emotional turmoil of these conflicts and dilemmas is the limiting belief that we can't have what we want or that the two simply don't go together. Sometimes that's not always the case, and even if it is initially, when we take a deeper look at things often the two previously perceived opposing parts actually are looking for the same thing. They just happen to go about it in a different way. 

One of my favourite NLP exercises is Parts Integration, and I have be known to use this on myself whilst on the metro many times! It gently pulls away the hidden masks and layers of internal conflicts, so we can create a new, combined part searching for that common need. 

Below is an example of an old internal conflict from a client who's permission I have to share this. 

Part of them desired a marriage/committed relationship and the other part desired a great career/start up. At the time they could not see how they could have both and they felt they were looking for two completely different things. 

As you can see in the image below, when we broke things down it became apparent that actually both parts were searching for either financial or emotional freedom which in turn would help them to feel Happiness & Passion which is what my client desired at that moment in their life. Both by working within a team of people and also by being with a special someone. It was really about creating connections with others.

P1 (Part 1) & P2 (Part 2) signify the two old opposing parts, B signifies the behaviour or action of these parts and PI represents the positive intentions behind these parts and what they were really looking for underneath their old behaviours. 

My questions after we broke this down were...

"What can you do differently now that you know this?"

and 

"Because what is it really about?"

They answered with "teaming up/partnerships to get in touch with my passion and happiness". "And how can you achieve that" I asked? "By networking" they replied. Not only could they improve business contacts and career options by networking... they could also widen their social community at the same time and possibly meet that special someone. One practical solution that had the potential to satisfy both parts. 

Since that exercise and insight, they have proceeded to make many changes within their life. Mutually ending an long distant relationship that was not working at the time as it neither satisfied their need of connection, happiness or passion. Joining regular networking events, fitness events, social events and successfully creating their own networking community events. These changes even led to physical benefits such as losing 13 kilos in 3 months due to the more active, healthier lifestyle. 

Is that the end and a happily ever after story? 

As with anything, life is a journey, we are constantly growing, learning, evolving and whilst this person is currently enjoying the single life as I write this, with the new perspective focused on Happiness, Connection & Passion and the active 'make positive changes' attitude will continue to open many more doors in the years to come. And I'm certain the right committed relationship for them too. 

Because after all, anything less than a loving, committed relationship isn't fully feeling, happy, passionate and wealthy though isn't it? 

And anything less than enjoying career success inst fully feeling happy, passionate with a sense of peace though isn't it? 

The two can work hand in hand in perfect harmony if we stay committed and connected to what we truly desire (our positive intentions) rather than the emotional struggle of choosing only one action. 

If anything, this exercise helps us to discover the real why behind our goals and initial desires. A powerful piece of information that can...

• Boost motivation
• Keep you focused in the right direction - towards your true desires
• Help to let go of a lot of internal stress & emotional turmoil
• Find decision making a lot easier 
• And more

Now its your turn! Are you aware of any internal conflicts and if so what are you really searching for? 

1) What are the highest positive intentions behind each part? Ask yourself... 'What does that do for me?'

For example... 

Part 1 wants to go to the gym and ask...'What does that do for me?'. Someone may respond with... 'To feel... healthy, fit, loose weight, happiness, at peace with self' for example. Stop when you find the  highest possible intentions relating to that behaviour. So in this example that could be peace and happiness. 

Repeat for Part 2, in this case... staying at home. Possible answers may be 'To relax, feel happiness & enjoy peace and quiet'. Notice the similarities between both sets of answers for both parts. Quite often, both parts are searching for very similar things. Therefore it's not really a conflict as once thought.

2) Ask yourself... 'What can I do differently now that I know this?' Eg... take a conscious action to satisfy the desire for peace and happiness daily

3) Ask yourself... 'Because, what is it really about?' Eg... to enjoy a happy and peaceful life rather than criticise self about what we 'should' or 'shouldn't' do.

Using the comment section below I'd love to hear from you and what positive changes you will make in your day to day life to fulfil your positive intentions. By writing things down we can take the first step towards positive change.

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Until next time, happy integrating :-)